Unhappy Birthdays
by Ainikki
Summary: On their way to Potidaea to celebrate Xena's birthday, Xena and Gabrielle encounter an army headed by an angry god who wants revenge on Xena and his remaining relatives. Set during the year Ares spent mortal after Motherhood (and before The God You Know/You Are There).
This was written as a shipper fic challenge given on the XOC board, so there were a few requirements I had to meet. The requirements are:

1\. A Xena birthday

2\. There must be a God (not Goddess) in it (other than Ares who of course is in it)

3\. Xena's gifts must include: a: useless item, b. pretty item, and c. last minute item (oops..someone forgot)

4\. An army

Familiarity with the episode _Punch Lines_ (believe it or not) may be useful before reading this story. Happy birthday, Xena!

(Un)Happy Birthdays

TEASER

SCENE 1

FADE IN: EXTERIOR—THE ROAD TO POTIDAEA—DAY

XENA and GABRIELLE are walking along the road, leading Argo. The sun shines brightly overhead as sprightly, bouncy walking music plays. The music fades away as Xena and Gabrielle start talking.

GABRIELLE: It's so nice to be going home, finally.

XENA: Yep.

GABRIELLE: I haven't seen Lila in ages.

XENA: Mhm.

GABRIELLE (looking pointedly at Xena): You're awfully chatty today.

XENA: Am I?

GABRIELLE: Get up on the wrong side of the bedroll?

XENA: Nope.

GABRIELLE: Come on, Xena. What is it? You can tell me.

XENA (looking up at Argo and taking hold of a dangling piece of tack): Well...don't tell anyone, but...it's my birthday tomorrow.

GABRIELLE (shocked): What?!

XENA (nodding): Yep.

GABRIELLE: And that's why you've been so quiet today?

Xena nods.

GABRIELLE: But why? I've always wondered when your birthday is, and now that I know, we can celebrate it!

Xena grips Argo's harness a bit more tightly.

XENA: Gabrielle, there's a reason I didn't tell you. You see, I've never really had a good birthday. Remember that time Callisto shot me with that poisoned dart?

GABRIELLE: _That_ was on your birthday?

XENA: Yes. And that time when we were nearly overrun by the Horde?

GABRIELLE: Yikes, that was your birthday, too?

XENA: Yes. And you went into the pit with Hope on my birthday, too. We were crucified on my birthday and we faked our own deaths, and Eve's, on my birthday.

GABRIELLE: That could all just be coincidence, maybe?

XENA: I don't think so. I've had the worst luck on birthdays that I can remember. My dog Rusty died the day I turned ten-hit by a runaway cart-and since then I've been keeping track.

GABRIELLE: So you've never had a good birthday?

XENA: Never.

Gabrielle grips Xena's free hand in her own and smiles.

GABRIELLE: Then we'll just have to change that.

Xena does not appear hopeful.

Up ahead, smoke rises from what appears to be a huge fire. Xena and Gabrielle rush forward to see it better.

GABRIELLE: What happened?

The smoke is coming from dozens if not hundreds of small fires surrounding a small village. The air is thick with haze, but the buildings of the village don't appear to be damaged.

XENA (determined): We'll find out.

END OF TEASER

CREDITS

In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. The power, the passion, the danger... Her courage will change the world.

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

FADE IN: EXTERIOR—VILLAGE SQUARE—DAY

Xena and Gabrielle walk into the village, occasionally coughing because of the smoke. An OLD WOMAN stops in front of them, wracked with coughing. She appears somewhat familiar, with dark hair streaked with gray, a large (though stooped) build and a dimpled chin.

GABRIELLE: By the gods...Minya, is that you?

The old woman squints, stops coughing and looks up.

MINYA: You look like Gabrielle, but that's impossible. She's dead.

GABRIELLE: No, I'm not; and look, here's Xena...

Xena has been gazing through the smoke and only now notices Minya.

XENA (to Minya): What happened here?

MINYA (jumping up in excitement, as if she is much younger than she is): Xena?!

XENA (placing her arm on Minya's shoulder to steady her): Yes, Minya. It's good to see you, but I need you to tell me what's going on here.

MINYA (regaining her composure): That murdering tyrant's army moved in three weeks ago. All they've done since then is pick this place clean and expand their numbers. Smoke's thick enough for a whip to cut.

Minya coughs again.

XENA: How many are they?

MINYA: I don't know. Hundreds.

GABRIELLE: And where are we, anyway?

MINYA: Don't you recognize it? This is Laurel.

XENA (says something partially inaudible about twenty-five year gaps): Do you know the "murdering tyrant's" name?

MINYA: No. But I know one thing. He's a god.

GABRIELLE: A god?

XENA: There aren't too many of those left.

MINYA: No, and from what I've heard this guy has a thing for hunting down the ones that are left and killing 'em.

GABRIELLE: The ones that are left?

XENA: Ares and Aphrodite survived the...Twilight.

Xena looks uncomfortable.

MINYA: That's right. This god's got Ares, but he's still looking for Aphrodite and-

Xena tenses visibly and grips Minya's arm with more force than she intends; Minya gasps.

XENA: What do you mean, he's got Ares?

SCENE 2

ABRUPT CUT TO: INTERIOR-PRISON TENT-DAY

It is dark in the tent, with thin light coming in only through the gaps where there are tent poles. Prisoners in iron cages are lined up all along the sides of the tent; guards stand in front of the cages in full armor with pikes. Some of the prisoners are stacked two or three to a cell.

ARES, clearly exhausted and unkempt but also unhurt, sits in a cell near the middle of the tent, alone. The guard outside his cell paces from foot to foot and uses one of his gauntleted hands to attempt to wipe away the sweat on his forehead.

GUARD: It's hot as Hades in here.

Ares processes these words for a moment and stifles a laugh that is almost hysterical.

GUARD: Did I say something funny?

ARES: You know Hades is dead, right?

GUARD: It's just an expression.

From one of the off-camera cells there is a bloodcurdling scream. Ares looks toward the noise.

ARES: If I didn't know better...

The scream comes again, louder this time.

GUARD: That's Apollo, I think. What is he, a brother of yours?

ARES: Something like that.

The guard smiles, showing missing teeth.

GUARD: Listen well, fool. You're next.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE 1

FADE IN: EXTERIOR-LAUREL-DAY

Xena and Gabrielle are still talking with Minya.

XENA: We've got to get Ares out of there.

GABRIELLE: Why?

XENA: He isn't a god anymore. Even if he was, he doesn't deserve...

GABRIELLE (cutting Xena off): Let's not get into what Ares does or doesn't deserve. It sounds to me like we need to deal with this tyrant god, whoever he is. After that we can worry about prisoners.

Xena nods tightly, but she still appears troubled.

MINYA: There's a tunnel a few of us have been digging in my house. It should take you outside of town so you can cut around the army and sneak into the camp.

XENA: That sounds perfect, Minya. Thanks.

GABRIELLE: And with any luck, we'll have this straightened out by tomorrow so that you can have a proper...(Xena glares at her, and she remembers she's not supposed to tell anyone about Xena's birthday.) ...you can have a good day.

XENA: I hope so.

SCENE 2

CUT TO: INTERIOR-MINYA'S HOUSE-SUNSET

Minya enters her home with Xena and Gabrielle in tow. Xena's whip hangs on the wall to one side of the front door; Gabrielle's frying pan hangs on the other. Gabrielle's gaze lingers on the frying pan.

GABRIELLE: That can't be the same one.

MINYA (seeing where Gabrielle's looking): Sure is. Best damn frying pan I've ever had.

Gabrielle curses under her breath.

XENA: Where's the tunnel?

Minya walks to the left and through the door to an interior room.

MINYA: In here!

Xena and Gabrielle follow Minya into the room. She lifts up one end of her wooden bed with surprising strength for a woman of her age and pops up two floorboards with her feet, revealing a dark hole underneath.

MINYA: Down you go! I wish I could come with ya, but the hip's been acting up lately.

XENA: Thank you, Minya.

GABRIELLE: Yes, thanks for everything!

Xena jumps down the hole, followed closely by Gabrielle.

SCENE 3

CUT TO: EXTERIOR-WOODED ENEMY CAMP-NIGHT

Xena and Gabrielle emerge from a well in the center of a grove. Though it is less smoky here, a haze still hangs in the air. They are both soaking wet; neither looks very happy.

GABRIELLE: Apparently they weren't quite done with that tunnel yet. Minya forgot to mention that.

XENA (rubbing her arms): At least it was a good workout.

GABRIELLE (shivering): Sure. I think your bad birthday luck just hit us a little early.

Xena shushes Gabrielle. They hear a stick breaking in the forest and freeze.

MAN'S VOICE: Who goes there?

Xena makes a shushing gesture to Gabrielle as a man, clearly a soldier from the camp, approaches the well. Xena and Gabrielle move in opposite directions to either side of the man, hoping to skirt him entirely. He catches a glimpse of Gabrielle. Before he can call out, Xena appears behind him and thunks him on the back of the head.

XENA: He should be out a while. Come on.

Xena and Gabrielle work their way stealthily into the camp.

SCENE 4

CUT TO: INTERIOR-PRISON TENT-NIGHT

Torches burn brightly outside the tent, but there is little light within. The wind picks up, blowing the tent flaps. Many of the prisoners shiver.

Suddenly, two of the guards at the front of the tent drop to the ground with a thud. The guards inside the tent mobilize, but they aren't able to move very well due to the darkness.

In front of Ares' cage, the guard grips his pike and puts his back against the cage bars, attempting to guard himself from external attack. Ares seizes the opportunity to get the man in a chokehold; the man goes down, turning blue.

A tent flap flutters in the wind. Though it is dark, there is obviously a scuffle in progress; Ares lets go of the man he's strangled and stands, waiting.

XENA (out of the dark): Ares? Where are you?

Ares appears stunned.

ARES: Xena?

XENA: Keep talking. I'll find you.

Since all the guards have been dispatched (and have dropped their torches), there is no light inside the tent. Xena picks her way over to Ares in the dark.

XENA: Why aren't you talking?

VOICE: I'm afraid he can't do that, my dear. I've clamped down his tongue.

XENA (squinting, attempting to see): Who are you?

Light, sudden and bright, fills the tent. A small old man with long hair, a pointy nose and a stick appears in the center of the tent, smiling feebly.

LACHRYMOSE: I am Lachrymose, the god of despair.

He gives a pathetic little half-bow in Xena's direction. Xena levels her sword at the god as we...

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

SCENE 1

FADE IN: INTERIOR-PRISON TENT-NIGHT

As before; Xena holds her sword on Lachrymose. Gabrielle stands behind her, sais drawn; Ares is in a corner of the tent, conscious but unable to speak.

LACHRYMOSE: Xena, Xena, Xena. Why are you trying to free my prisoners?

XENA: I was going to ask why you _have_ prisoners.

LACHRYMOSE (grinning gleefully): Why? Why not? There aren't too many of us gods left, you know.

XENA (smiling humorlessly): Thanks to me.

LACHRYMOSE: Oh, no you don't, Xena.

He whistles, and fifteen armed guards appear around him in a circle.

LACHRYMOSE: You can't threaten me, you know. This whole army follows me. I let them. They do what I say.

GABRIELLE: Why?

ARMED MAN #1: He is the last of the Olympian gods!

Xena, Gabrielle and Ares stare at the general, dumbfounded.

GABRIELLE: Wait, that can't be right.

XENA (ticking off dead gods on her fingers): Let's see, I killed Hades, Discord, Athena, Hephaestus, and Poseidon, Zeus and Hera bit it when Eve was born...

GABRIELLE: What about Aphrodite?

ARES: She's no longer a goddess. Some Roman asshole got his hooks into her. I was on my way there when-

XENA: We'll deal with that later.

GABRIELLE: And Celesta?

ARMED MAN #1: None of us would worship death. It's a good way to get yourself killed.

GABRIELLE: Apollo? Hestia?

LACHRYMOSE: Apollo was only recently...dispensed with. And Hestia now has the honor of being my housekeeper.

XENA (under her breath): Some honor.

GABRIELLE: Then I guess they're right. He's the last one.

XENA: As pathetic as he is.

LACHRYMOSE: Need I remind you that _I_ am the one with the army?

XENA: And what do you intend to do with it?

LACHRYMOSE: What I've been doing. I've been hunting down the errant gods-usually killing them and stealing their powers. When Zeus was around, that wouldn't have been tolerated, but with him out of the way, I'm free to do whatever I want. And I don't want to just be the god of despair anymore. Very boring, you know, and kind of a downer.

GABRIELLE: Lachrymose, this isn't like you. We met, remember, when I accidentally drank from your stream? I know you were sad, but you were never evil.

LACHRYMOSE: I'm not evil. I'm doing what the gods have always done: consolidating power.

XENA: Then why bother with gods who are mortal already, like Ares?

Deliberately, she refrains from looking at Ares.

LACHRYMOSE: War causes more despair than anything in else in the world. He stole my thunder for too long, so now (Lachrymose turns to Ares) I'm stealing it back!

He cackles with glee, raising both hands. Xena reaches for her chakram.

Muffled shouts come from outside the tent. Lachrymose stops cackling.

LACHRYMOSE: What on earth is going on, general?

ARMED MAN #1: I'll find out, mighty Lachrymose.

The sound of a whip cutting flesh and a scream drift into the tent. More screams and shouts follow.

LACHRYMOSE: We're under attack!

Xena unleashes the chakram; it cuts through Lachrymose's arm, distracting him long enough for Xena, Ares and Gabrielle to make a run from the tent.

SCENE 2

CUT TO: EXTERIOR-LACHRYMOSE'S CAMP-NIGHT

Minya is outside, leading a group of villagers wielding simple weapons and torches. Xena, Gabrielle and Ares join the fray.

MINYA: It's about time! I was lookin' for ya.

GABRIELLE (sticking close to Minya): Thanks, Minya.

She throws her sai into the chest of a charging soldier. As she retrieves it, she looks up at Minya, who is cracking her whip in all directions.

GABRIELLE: Aren't you getting too old for this?

Minya gives her a contemptuous look.

SCENE 3

CUT TO: EXTERIOR-LACHRYMOSE'S CAMP-DAWN

Another part of the battlefield. Xena and Ares have triangulated around Lachrymose and his guards. Lachrymose's shoulder is still bleeding and his guard is rapidly failing. The guard (with Lachrymose in the center) falls back, forming a circle around a tree.

XENA (to Ares): Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

ARES: Usually.

She holds her hands clasped together in front of her. Ares steps into her hands and uses the added height and momentum to vault into the tree above Lachrymose. As he drops down right above Lachrymose, Xena follows, letting out her war cry.

Xena Ares fight off the remainder of Lachrymose's guard; Xena holds her sword to Lachrymose's throat.

LACHRYMOSE: Don't kill me! Please!

XENA: Give me one good reason.

LACHRYMOSE: This isn't my fault! I didn't want any of this! Not really. I just built an army and went after the others so I'd be safe.

XENA (tightening her grip on her sword): Bad strategy.

She moves to cut his head off, and he vanishes. Xena sighs.

XENA: Guess I should have seen that coming. (mutters something about birthdays)

ARES: I wish I could go after him.

Xena gives him a pained look.

As soon as Lachrymose vanishes, his army stops fighting. Men in all directions drop their weapons and look up at the sky, confused.

ARMED MAN #1: Where am I?

XENA: Near Laurel.

ARMED MAN #1: Laurel?! How in Hades did I get here?

GABRIELLE (running up): Xena, it's like none of these men know why they're here or how they got here. Some of them don't even know the way back to their homes.

ARES: Forgive me if I don't feel sorry for them.

GABRIELLE (glaring at Ares): It's almost like they were under some kind of spell. Like when you lost your powers the first time, and everyone went crazy.

Ares opens his mouth to say something flippant or insulting, then snaps it shut, nodding.

ARES: With me _and_ sis out of the world-despair _would_ go power-hungry. Aside from Apollo, he was the only real force left, and he killed Apollo.

XENA: How?

ARES: Hind's blood dagger, best as I can tell.

Xena runs back to the prison tent, muttering darkly as she goes.

GABRIELLE (sighing): She's right. She really can't have a good birthday.

Ares frowns in thought as we...

FADE OUT

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

SCENE 1

FADE IN: INTERIOR-PRISON TENT-DAWN

Xena is rummaging through the tent, searching for the weapon Lachrymose used to kill Apollo. She turns up a bloodied knife with a curved, jeweled handle. She picks it up with distaste, wipes it clean with a bit of cloth and puts the knife in her boot.

One of the tent flaps opens as Ares walks in.

ARES (approaching Xena): Did you find it?

Xena nods, but doesn't look at him.

ARES: Are you all right?

Xena nods again, but this time the motion is more halfhearted.

XENA: I didn't expect...all of this...to come back at me so soon.

ARES: All of what? Killing the gods?

Xena finally looks at him. She takes one step closer to him so that they are standing inches apart.

XENA: I didn't kill you.

ARES: And I appreciate that.

Xena looks down again.

XENA: So. You have to get to Rome to help Aphrodite, right?

ARES: You're not coming with me?

XENA (sadly): Not...right now. Right now I need some time. (Smiling a little, she puts her hand on his shoulder.) Besides, I'd love to see Aphrodite's face when you rescue her on your own.

ARES: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

The tent flap opens again, revealing Gabrielle. Xena and Ares spring apart like shrapnel. Gabrielle gives Xena a look.

GABRIELLE: Xena? Is everything all right?

Xena nods.

XENA: Let's go.

SCENE 2

CUT TO: EXTERIOR-ROAD OUTSIDE LAUREL-DAY

Xena, Gabrielle, Minya and Ares sit around a campfire, eating fish.

XENA: Thanks for your help, Minya. We couldn't have freed those men from Lachrymose without you.

Minya gives Xena a radiant, if slightly crooked, smile.

MINYA: It was great kicking ass with y'all again. (standing up) I've gotta get back home before the place burns down. I think I left the fire going.

Minya stands up and hobbles away, carrying Xena's whip coiled in her grasp. Gabrielle looks at Xena.

GABRIELLE: Well, now that _that's_ over with, we can finally visit my sister.

ARES: We?

GABRIELLE: No one invited you.

XENA (to Ares): You're headed to Rome?

ARES: Yes.

XENA: Then we're heading in the same direction for a while. (She gives Gabrielle a significant look.) I'd rather have you with us with Lachrymose still loose.

ARES: Fine.

GABRIELLE: Fine.

XENA: Fine. I'm sure Lila and Sara will give you provisions to get to Rome.

Gabrielle rolls her eyes. There is a moment of silence as they all look awkwardly at one another, and Gabrielle stands up, wiping fish off her fingers.

GABRIELLE: Let's go home.

SCENE 3

CUT TO: EXTERIOR-FOREST PATH-DAY

Xena is leading Argo. Gabrielle stands to one side and Ares stands on the other, making the path very crowded. Short, rocky foothills rise up behind them on the path.

The wind picks up and Argo neighs; Xena makes shushing noises. 

XENA: What is it, girl?

Lachrymose, still injured, appears in on the path. Argo rears and kicks him in the chest, but, since Argo lacks the power to kill gods, her blows have little effect. Lachrymose chuckles.

Xena, Gabrielle and Ares go for their weapons; Lachrymose makes a placating gesture with his hands.

LACHRYMOSE: I'm here to apologize. (Xena gives him a skeptical look.) I don't know what came over me, I swear!

XENA (drawing her sword): Fine. You've said your piece. Now get out of here.

LACHRYMOSE: I just came to warn you that the Horde is in this area.

GABRIELLE: The Horde?

LACHRYMOSE: Yes. In those foothills behind you. They've got you trapped.

ARES: Why should we believe you?

LACHRYMOSE: See for yourself.

Xena turns and sees that the rocks on the foothills behind them are coming loose and starting to roll.

LACHRYMOSE: Told you.

He vanishes.

XENA: Rockslide!

She hops on Argo quickly.

XENA (to Ares and Gabrielle): Get to the river. (She points left.) Stay near the edge and you should be able to dodge the worst of it.

Ares is already moving; Gabrielle pauses.

GABRIELLE: What about you?

XENA: I'm going to find whoever started this rockslide and stop them.

She turns Argo and begins picking a steady path through the rocks.

GABRIELLE: She's insane.

ARES (shouting; he's close to the river already): No worse than you!

SCENE 4 

CUT TO: EXTERIOR-FOREST PATH-DAY

Xena is still on Argo, battling the rocks. A particularly large boulder rolls inches from Argo's hooves, and Argo bucks, throwing Xena off.

Xena leaps as she's thrown, landing in a tree. Her arms grip the branch above her firmly.

XENA (to Argo): Sorry, girl!

Argo gives a whinny of displeasure while dodging more and bigger rocks.

Below her, Xena sees three men in Horde gear pushing large rocks over stands of gravel and smaller stones. She leaps down from the tree, landing on one of the men and taking him down.

Out of nowhere, ten more Horde men appear; each grabs Xena and before she can react, they hurl her over the edge of a chasm into a roaring river. Xena sinks in the river, struggling for the surface. The current is extremely strong and there is nothing for her to hold on to. Rocks and debris from the landslide mix with the water, making the situation even more precarious.

Xena's head goes under the water, and she flings her arms around, searching for something solid. Something catches her arm.

ARES (muffled; from above the water): I've got you. Hang on.

Xena makes spluttering noises as her head comes above water. Though Ares has a tight grip on her arm with one hand, his other arm appears to be caught in a rope snare that has sprung and coiled upward in such a way as to pull the limb backwards out of its socket.

ARES: Arm's caught. Give me a second.

XENA (spluttering some): Sure, sure. I've got all the time in the world, here.

ARES (gritting his teeth): Shut up.

With slow, deliberate care, Ares frees his shoulder from the trap; it cuts him slightly, but not deeply. He brings his injured arm forward, using its slight added strength and extra momentum to pitch Xena out of the rapids and onto the shore.

XENA (breathing heavily): Thank-you.

Ares collapses next to her, nursing the injured shoulder. Xena sits up, turns Ares toward her and probes Ares' injury with two fingers.

XENA: This is dislocated.

ARES (firmly; sitting up): I'm fine. You should probably find your sidekick.

XENA: Gabrielle?

ARES: I haven't seen her since-

XENA (cutting him off): Gabrielle? Gabrielle?!

GABRIELLE (shouting, in the distance): Xena! Help! I'm stuck!

XENA (under her breath as she runs to rescue Gabby): I hate birthdays.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT FOUR

ACT FIVE

SCENE 1

On-screen text appears: _Eight hours later..._

FADE IN: EXTERIOR-LILA'S HOUSE-SUNSET

Lila's house is a little off the forest path at the edge of Potidaea; there are no other houses in sight. A very muddy Gabrielle knocks on the door; Xena and Ares (considerably bedraggled) hang back a bit. Argo hangs back even further; there is a large cut on her flank and she hangs her head disconsolately.

LILA: Gabrielle? Xena? And-who are you?

ARES: Does it matter? 

GABRIELLE: This is Ares, Lila. He's-

She stops, struggling with how she wants to explain this.

XENA: He's a friend. We'd appreciate it if you could give him some supplies. He's headed for Rome.

Ares nods.

LILA: That shouldn't be a problem. Come in. Would you like a bath?

ARES: I love this woman.

Xena glares at him. She tethers Argo to a post on the front porch and follows Gabrielle and Ares into the house.

SCENE 2

CUT TO: INTERIOR-LILA'S HOUSE-NIGHT

Xena, Gabrielle and Ares (now fresh and clean) sit around a plain wooden table in the kitchen with Lila and Sarah. Lila gets up to remove fresh bread from the oven; Gabrielle pours herself a drink from a pitcher, then turns to look at Xena.

GABRIELLE: Sorry your birthday turned out so terrible. Again.

XENA: Well, it wasn't that bad.

GABRIELLE: Not _that_ bad?! After Lachrymose and his army, and the rockslide, and almost being drowned by the Horde, and Argo getting hurt and me getting trapped in that mudflow-

XENA (taking a bite of bread): At least we're all alive.

ARES: There is that.

Gabrielle huffs, a little angry.

GABRIELLE: Speaking of birthdays, we haven't given you presents yet.

SARAH: Presents?

GABRIELLE: Of course! It's Xena's birthday!

LILA: Oh, sorry, we didn't know.

Lila looks around frantically for a suitable gift for the warrior princess.

LILA: Um...

Lila turns to the kitchen sink, jerks around and hands Xena a rectangular object covered in cloth.

LILA: It's a soap sock-with soap. After today (she grimaces), I suppose it'll be easy to find uses for it. I made the soap myself. And if you want more...

Lila stammers, clearly flustered and wanting some sign of approval for the gift, last-minute though it is. Gabrielle lays her hand on Lila's arm and smiles at her.

XENA: Thank you, Lila. It's a gift we'll definitely use.

Gabrielle gives Lila a little reassuring hug, then plunks her present (also a rectangular object wrapped in cloth) in front of Xena.

XENA (unwrapping the present): What's this?

A tiny glass bottle with a cork top is in the cloth wrapping. It says, "chakram polish."

GABRIELLE: I found that at Virgil's tavern. Apparently it's the best weapon polish in Greece.

ARES: Does a chakram actually need polishing?

XENA: Hush, you.

Xena detaches the chakram from the hook at her waist and uncorks the bottle. She spreads a bit of polish over the edge of the chakram. The chakram makes a low hissing noise.

ARES: Uh...I think you made it mad.

Xena wipes the polish off with the cloth. The chakram stops making the odd noise, but it does not look any shinier.

XENA (smiling): Thanks, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: For what? It didn't work.

XENA: I'm just happy it didn't wreck my chakram. We'll have to tell Virgil to revise his formula.

Gabrielle nods and takes a hunk of bread off the table.

GABRIELLE: Well, presents are done...

ARES: Excuse me? No they're not.

GABRIELLE: You have a present for her?

ARES: Yep.

Ares rummages in one of his pants pockets and turns up a gemstone the size of a plum. It is purplish in color, multifaceted like a diamond. Xena takes it from Ares' hands.

XENA (unimpressed): Hm. Pretty. What is it?

ARES: Painite.

XENA: Painite? (She examines the gem more closely.) You're making that up.

ARES: Nope. I found it near the river when we were getting away from the Horde.

XENA: So just when we were about to die, you noticed a pretty piece of rock. Nice to know you have your priorities straight.

ARES: Scoff all you want, Xena. It's one of the rarest minerals on this rock you call a planet. Worth ten times its weight in gold. Ask the town jeweler.

Xena smiles (more genuinely this time) and twirls the painite in her fingers.

XENA: I may just do that.

GABRIELLE: Any more presents?

From out of nowhere, a pie appears mysteriously on Lila's kitchen table. Xena and Gabrielle meet one another's eyes.

XENA and GABRIELLE: Lachrymose.

XENA: Still trying to apologize, I guess.

GABRIELLE (poking at the pie): Should we eat it?

XENA: Nope. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

She tosses the pie out the kitchen window, then stretches extravagantly. 

XENA: I know it seems like we just got here, but I'm dead tired. Where are we sleeping? 

SCENE 3

CUT TO: INTERIOR-UPSTAIRS BEDROOM IN LILA'S HOUSE-NIGHT

Xena is lying in bed, alone, but she can't sleep. She hears a horse whistle and sits up, moving toward the window.

XENA: Argo?

Argo whinnies. Xena looks out the window and sees that Ares is standing next to Argo, brushing out her coat.

Xena jumps out the window and lands next to Ares, who starts in surprise. Argo remains calm.

ARES: Thought you were asleep.

XENA: You, too.

ARES: Nah, can't sleep in this place. Your little friend might knife me.

XENA: I doubt it. (A pause.) She is...grateful...to you for saving her. But it's hard to forget everything that came before that.

Ares nods in understanding.

ARES: Xena?

XENA: What?

ARES: It's, um...my birthday, too.

XENA (rolls eyes): You're kidding.

ARES (seriously): Nope. Six thousand four hundred and seven, if my math is right.

Xena chuckles humorlessly.

XENA (sighing): Overall, this has been an extremely rotten day.

ARES (nursing his arm): You said it.

He puts Argo's brush down on Lila's porch, then turns back to Xena. There is a slight, intense pause as they look at one another.

XENA: So...are you sick of wandering the earth yet?

Xena steps closer to him and grabs his injured arm, holding it still. She numbs his arm using pressure points. As Ares answers, she resets the arm.

ARES: Yes...maybe...OW!

Ares glares at Xena, who doesn't look at him. With Xena still touching him, he moves his shoulder in a circle, testing its range of movement; it appears to be fine.

ARES: Why do you ask?

XENA (looking down at the ground): Maybe I'm worried about you.

ARES: You? About me? That doesn't seem right.

Xena's hand moves from Ares' arm to his face, making him look into her eyes.

XENA (shaking her head): Don't brush this off with bravado. You almost died, and I...

She stops for a moment, hunting for what to say. Their faces are very close together. Ares leans forward.

GABRIELLE: Ahem.

Xena jolts away from Ares.

XENA: Hi Gabrielle.

Gabrielle stands silhouetted in the doorway of Lila's house. She is wearing polka-dotted pajamas and a nightcap.

GABRIELLE: What are you doing out here?

XENA: Brushing Argo. I'm worried about her.

GABRIELLE: Uh huh. (She yawns.) I'm going to bed. You guys should, too.

ARES: Thanks, mom.

Xena gives him a glare. Gabrielle goes back into the house. Xena takes Ares' hand for a moment and squeezes it.

XENA (whispering in Ares' ear): Later.

TAG

FADE IN: EXTERIOR-LILA'S HOUSE-NIGHT

A shadow moves in the upstairs window of Lila's house as Xena leaps down from the window once again. Ares leans up against the side of the house, petting Argo's head and looking bored.

When Ares sees Xena, he springs away from the house and follows her onto the road. Argo snorts.

Across from the house is a stand of trees and a small well. Xena stops here and turns to Ares, who steps close to her. Xena's tongue rolls briefly over her lips, and she tilts her head up to meet Ares halfway in a kiss. Ares pushes her against one of the trees and tries to pull her down, but Xena refuses to budge. The kiss goes on uninterrupted with shallow, testing moves, gradually deepening.

Ares' lips move to her neck; Xena arches forward and moans slightly, then gasps.

XENA: No biting.

Her hands move down to the fastenings of Ares' pants. Ares kisses Xena again; she reverses their positions so he is the one standing against the tree.

ARES: What if we wake them up?

XENA: You know they're adults, right?

Ares shrugs; Xena pushes him up against the tree and kisses him again as we...

FADE OUT

Disclaimer: _Xena had a very happy birthday during the production of this motion picture. However, she would appreciate it if no one told Gabrielle._


End file.
